From Sunny Wall, coming back from 14 months in our Brazilian village.
“Brazilian jungle dust is still comfortably nestled between my toes like it has been for the better part of 14 months, but that jungle is now half a world away. Everyone is speaking English and I realize that I am no longer a foreigner. I am going to our home in Brooklyn. I am numb. A million questions in my two languages, my tongue tripping over easy words, my unbelieving mind trying to process: “It’s over. You’ve left. You’re back. Home.” Where is that exactly? The chapel. I thirst for the chapel. My Lord, my Love is there just like He was in the Fazenda do Natal. I don’t have words for anyone else. I want curl up in His silent embrace.
Leaving Brazil, I thought I would be ready for the laughter and the homecoming parties, but my full heart hung heavy in the airport in Salvador. So heavy I could hardly dry my tears and board the plane. When would I be back? When would I see my kids again? God only knows.
One day after I arrived on American soil and I am at the ICCC. I am shuffling through the house, harvesting herbs in the afternoon, taking long walks through the forest, spending hours in the chapel. The world barely spinning around me. I sleep, I pray, I walk to Our Lady’s shrine and give her my hand. Day after day of healing silence. I have found my place with God at the center of my heart. And the center is no longer a small cave buried beneath a mountain of worry and desire. The center of my heart is my whole heart—all of it. And all of me. As I walk I know my place is right here. My heart sees how His love has changed me. I sit in the garden and know that I am His garden. My Lord planned this all ahead of time, when He could show me why He had called me to this mission. It was so I could become His. I shared His love with others, the wounded children, the lonely widows, the desperate mothers, but really what He had wanted that day, nearly two years ago now when He said “Come be with me,” was me. He wanted all of me.”