• October 30, 2012

From Home in Bahia (Br) to Home in New York

From Sunny Wall, coming back from 14 months in our Brazilian vil­lage.

“Brazilian jungle dust is still com­fort­ably nes­tled between my toes like it has been for the better part of 14 months, but that jungle is now half a world away. Everyone is speaking English and I realize that I am no longer a for­eigner. I am going to our home in Brooklyn. I am numb. A mil­lion ques­tions in my two lan­guages, my tongue trip­ping over easy words, my unbe­lieving mind trying to pro­cess: “It’s over. You’ve left. You’re back. Home.” Where is that exactly? The chapel. I thirst for the chapel. My Lord, my Love is there just like He was in the Fazenda do Natal. I don’t have words for anyone else. I want curl up in His silent embrace.

Leaving Brazil, I thought I would be ready for the laughter and the home­coming par­ties, but my full heart hung heavy in the air­port in Salvador. So heavy I could hardly dry my tears and board the plane. When would I be back? When would I see my kids again? God only knows.

One day after I arrived on American soil and I am at the ICCC. I am shuf­fling through the house, har­vesting herbs in the after­noon, taking long walks through the forest, spending hours in the chapel. The world barely spin­ning around me. I sleep, I pray, I walk to Our Lady’s shrine and give her my hand. Day after day of healing silence. I have found my place with God at the center of my heart. And the center is no longer a small cave buried beneath a moun­tain of worry and desire. The center of my heart is my whole heart—all of it. And all of me. As I walk I know my place is right here. My heart sees how His love has changed me. I sit in the garden and know that I am His garden. My Lord planned this all ahead of time, when He could show me why He had called me to this mis­sion. It was so I could become His. I shared His love with others, the wounded chil­dren, the lonely widows, the des­perate mothers, but really what He had wanted that day, nearly two years ago now when He said “Come be with me,” was me. He wanted all of me.”

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